I'm a tough cookie, that's pretty obvious. Bullets bounce off of me and I'm often referred to as a rock. People flock to me for advice because they know it will be harsh, but honest.
I have known many people throughout the years who say "Stacy, I'm not strong like you; you just don't understand how hard this is". I receive e-mails now from total strangers stating the same.
But there is one element to my life that has held a deathgrip on me since I was about 13 years old; my weight.
I spent my teenage years as an anorexic. At a height of 5'5" during those years, my weight would fluctuate between 90-100 pounds. There were health issues involved, so I would allow myself to gain a few pounds every now and then to please my mother. I remember her bringing me plates piled high with food and saying "I better not hear a toilet flush". I would hide the food and dispose of it elsewhere later on.
Anorexia stayed with me throughout my adult life as well. It would come and go like a bad boyfriend. There was usually something that triggered it; a painful event, an overheard statement or maybe I felt I wasn't pretty.
I would weigh and measure everything I ate; I even remember weighing lettuce once. It wasn't unusual to weigh myself a dozen times a day. The routine was methodical. Wait about an hour after I drank anything, use the restroom, strip my clothes off, take a deep breath, step on the scales and exhale. Anything over 108 lbs. left me devastated. I was too embarrassed to seek professional help, I just told myself that I would deal with it.
A few years ago while eating a salad, my husband said "Stac, I hate to see you eating like this. I wish you would eat more. I can't even take my wife out to dinner anymore because she won't eat". I decided then that it was time to confront this demon.
I did start to eat but the issue of the scales was too much for me to handle. I refused to weigh myself because I knew where it would lead me. Even at the doctor's office I stood backwards on the scales so I wouldn't have to witness the horror of gained pounds. I decided that I would allow myself a clothing size range and stay within that. And that is exactly what I have done.
Back in early April I decided to take weight lifting a bit more seriously this year than I usually do. I started taking supplements and made sure I timed everything correctly. I knew that I had gained quite of bit of muscle but was never really sure since I refused to step on the scales.
Well, tonight, for the first time in years, I weighed myself. My pant size has remained in the 4-6 range so I was shocked to see a number so high. A number that just a few years ago would have left me curled in the fetal position contemplating which method of suicide I wanted to use. A number I have never seen before without a pregnancy being involved. I weighed myself at the end of the day, with all of my clothes on; something I never would have done before; and my weight . . . . was . . . . 130 pounds. I stepped off the scales and dropped to the floor in laughter. When I gathered myself together I went and told my husband who said "yea, you've put a ton of muscle on". Later on it hit me that for the first time in my life, I didn't base my self-worth upon the number on the scale. I sat and cried for about 10 minutes; I cried tears of joy. Tears that brought about the end of this cycle that I've been imprisoned by for almost 25 years.
I'm proud of my weight. I'm proud that I've put I believe to be about 20 pounds of muscle on. I'm proud that I no longer am bound by an eating disorder.
Posted by Stacy at October 19, 2005 01:45 AM | TrackBackStacy: Wow. Thank you for such honesty - you have so much courage to share this with us. You are so fortunate to have conquered the devastating cycle of an eating disorder. It was such a long struggle for you, so I share your joy! I loved your response to the number on the scale - laughter! God bless, and I am very happy for you!!!
Posted by: Valerie at October 19, 2005 08:02 AMI'm proud of you! I don't know you or anything, but I guess I can be proud anyway. Overcoming the anorexic mindset is a damn near impossible thing to do. God bless you! And at 5'5", 130 is a good weight. You're hot!
Posted by: Cyndee at October 19, 2005 08:49 AMActually I'm 5'6" now. I grew after high school. I always tell my boys, don't worry you're not done growing yet. They hate it that they've taken their fathers height gene; or maybe I should say lack of height gene.
Posted by: Stacy at October 19, 2005 10:33 AMCongratulations! As the husband of a newly recovering anorexic, I know how hard it must have been to look at the number on the scale. Now you know-it's just a number, not who or what you are. You are quite beautiful no matter what that number is. Strong work!
Posted by: Nick at October 19, 2005 11:04 AMStacy, I'm proud of you! I know it's a hell of a demon you've overcome, and by all accounts, doing it on your own is a very tough path. But then, your strength of character shows in your blog, so I know you have what it takes to succeed. ;)
I hope you'll find some suitable way to celebrate this victory. It's not something to be taken lightly.
Posted by: Bill at October 19, 2005 12:19 PMI pray that you continue to see yourself the way God sees you -- as a beautiful child of His -- and that you continue to close your ears to the deceitful, demeaning voices inside you. Greater is He who is in you than He who is in the world.
Posted by: civil truth at October 19, 2005 01:22 PMThank you for sharing that Stacy. And for your courage.
Posted by: Nettie at October 19, 2005 08:32 PMThat is AWESOME, all caps because it's so cool.
I have an 18 year old daughter dealing with the "freshman 15" syndrome of weight gain, and we talk to her a lot about good and bad ways to deal with it. I definitely don't want her ending up in a situation like you've been working on.
I'm sending her your url so she can read this post.
Posted by: Crazy Politico at October 19, 2005 08:49 PMStacy, congrats!
Posted by: bob at October 20, 2005 12:52 AMStacy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I too am a recovered annorexic purger and compulsive weightlifter. I have been without relapse for just over three years now and that freedom and release is the best feeling in the world.
I still fight with the picture in my head and the voices deep down; but I no longer judge my self-worth or strength by numbers in a box.
It's encouraging to hear other success stories. Thank you.
Posted by: Audrey at October 20, 2005 05:25 PMThat's great Audrey!!! It's so nice to be at a point where food is not repulsive or evil. And, out of curiousity I weighed myself in the morning, which is what all good anorexics do; and it was 126. So earlier and nude, better. LOL! Still, nice to know you're doing good. Like any addiction, recovery is joyous.
Posted by: Stacy at October 20, 2005 05:41 PMYou are a woman. How dare you think your self-worth should be based on anything other than 1) your looks, 2) your ability to serve your husband, and 3) your ability to incubate and raise children. I think you're a closet feminist with no fear of God. And now you're old and fat... typical woman.
Posted by: Redneck Bitch at October 20, 2005 10:38 PMGeez Bitch, sounds like your just jealous. Normally I would delete such nonsense, but you've proven yourself a fool.
Old, hmm, yes I'll be 37 soon, but I've been asked twice to the homecoming dance recently because all the young chicks are fat. Bite me.
Posted by: Stacy at October 20, 2005 10:45 PMStacy, I am so glad to hear this. All too often we hear about the stories where this condition has defeated people, but your grit and determination (and I'm betting a lot of prayer) has seen you through. For what it's worth, from what I can tell you look great (and healthy)!
Also, I know I've been AWOL from the blogs awhile, but have your comments from readers started getting...weirder?
Posted by: Muley at October 20, 2005 10:49 PMMuley-hello!!!!! Yea, thing is this broad hasn't been to my page until today and she went back and forth between my site and another about 7 or 8 times in 20 minutes. She's just pissed because yet again conservative girls are hot.
Posted by: Stacy at October 20, 2005 11:48 PMAlso RN Bitch, I see you. I know everytime you come here. You can't even figure out how to get here without coming from Ignert Redneck. How about this; next time I'm in Iowa you can say that to my face. As I sit here in my size 4 jeans with people guessing my age to be around 25, I laugh at you and your comment. I'm proud to take care of my husband, I'm proud to take care of my children and I work my ass of to maintain my exterior as well as my interior. I'm not quite sure what YOUR problem is, but I know that I'm doing what I was meant to do. I receive e-mails from MANY men who say they wish they could find a woman like me. So sad for you :(
And:
Jeff e-mailed me this because MuNu is now being difficult for him as well. Sorry Jeff.
Stacy, you've done what far too few who have eating disorders do: you've grown up. And you did it by taking responsibility for yourself. Almost without exception, eating disorders of the starvation kind (anorexia, bulimia) occur in adolescent girls--or homosexual adolescent males (yes, it's true--homosexual adolescent males, not straight ones)--who live in families with hyper-critical and/or demanding/perfectionistic parents. It stems from a diminished sense of control on the part of the sufferer, who decides that food is one thing they can control, albeit in bizarre, self-destructive ways. And most of them end up staying stuck emotionally, even physically (due to retarded growth based on insufficient nutrition), in their adolescence.
Welcome to full-fledged adulthood, sister. I'm proud of you!!!
Golly, where does one begin to respond to Redneck Bitch? Is there any point?
Calling Stacy old and fat is of course laughable. She's gorgeous, anyone can see that. I've been sending her literature about Mormonism for time immemorial, stressing the polygamy aspects, but she won't hear of it.
Of course, it's not all about looks. If Stacy were a vacuous leftist (isn't that redundant?), or had nothing of substance to say, I'd have long abandoned her blog. As it stands, she is consistently one of the most articulate, impassioned writers I've had the pleasure to read.
Stacy was quite brave posting this, and for anyone to shred someone for being candid is beyond the pale. Particularly when the issues Stacy writes about affect women, primarily. One would think Redneck Bitch would thank Stacy for shedding light on this problem, but instead she bares her cat claws and goes for the throat.
Redneck Bitch mentions Stacy's role as a wife and mother, and I have two points regarding this. First, wife and mother are the two most important roles a woman can play in life, and before you jump on me for being a sexist pig let me also state that the roles of husband and father are the most important roles a man can play. If a hurricane strikes, whether you're a man or a woman the last thing on your mind will be your business. You will protect what is dear to you, your family.
Second and finally, Redneck Bitch, may I remind you that feminism is all about "choice," and if a fellow woman chooses to focus her life on her family, you should revel in her decision and support her wholeheartedly. Just because her choice does not mirror your own does not discount her life's path.
I resist the temptation to be a dick to you, because it's obvious you have some issues. Anyone tempted to react to Redneck Bitch unkindly should instead keep her in their thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Admin Worm at October 21, 2005 12:07 PMIt must have taken lots of courage to share your story. Good for you hon! I figure after almost 20 years of marriage and 3 boys, you're doing great. And I'm so laughing at your 130lbs, I think I'd kill to be that small again. I'm glad you're feeling better about who you are. It took me some time to adjust to having extra weight because of being pregnant every year since I've been married. The things woman go through and you do just have to laugh. I think you're hot girlie! *smoocihes*
Posted by: Aly from blogger at October 21, 2005 04:20 PMLady, your post brought tears to my eyes, and I'm the most macho asshole you've ever met.
In my experience, the women who are pushing 40 and panicking about their looks are looked upon as nothing but pathetic. Even if they do look good (which they usually don't) their desperation is so obvious that it makes them ugly.
I realize that this has been going on with you for many years, but I'm glad that you got over it before you made a fool of yourself like so many women do. You've realized that you'll never be a teenager again.
I know women in their 60's who haven't grasped that fact.
Posted by: The Exile at October 25, 2005 10:41 PM